exam results will be released in a couple of days time. i know i screwed the papers and i don't seem to be learning from my mistakes. i never learn. perhaps i've not fall hard enough and feels that everything will be fine.

how "fine" can you be when you're living in such superficial world? you'll be nothing without the grades. i clearly know it and yet things are still the same.

i know i am still going to feel bad over the results and start whining. who to blame? me, myself and i. Quek Peiyun, you're the one to be blamed.

ah. whatever it is.

had many different talks with different people. perhaps i should put a break on my life, sit down and ponder. talks with Weixin and Meishan over the same problem. i have no confidence in convincing myself that i can be objective. i know i can't. but how much effort do i want to put in? i have no idea. who will be that objective one that will convince me that yes, all these will be worthwhile?

i know i have been selfish, putting up this armor just to protect myself from being hurt. i put up a strong front just to convince people that i will not be hurt. i hold back all my feelings, just being afraid of being hurt. yes, i am that selfish. i am timid and i'm afraid to let my feelings flow. i am indeed afraid. perhaps the past didn't seem as impactful to some. but it did affected me so much.

the feelings that i thought i could put in, always ended up being held behind. just like a coward, i'm afraid. i'm so protective of myself. but all i wanted was to stay away from the word pain.

ah. life will be better.